Ramblings

I feel more positive today, I don't know why but it is good. I had a nice morning with the horses, sortig out waters and feeds, then messed around in the garden this afternoon. Had a good laugh with the family.

Still can't stop thinking about work though, and what they are going to be like with me. I am actually past caring that much, but I am thinking about the arguments there will be. I am pissed off that they think I am the same as another guy who used to work with us, who took the piss when he was signed off and said he was only off to get as much money out of them as possible. I am off because I cannot cope, that is what they need to understand. I was going to go in and see my boss this week, but I can't be arsed now. If they want to speak to me they can come to see me. I am not wasting petrol getting there.

BASTARDS

It has finally happened.  This is my third week off work after having a nervous breakdown, and boy are they pissed about it  It is so nice to have such supportive bosses NOT.

I am not sure how I feel yet, so I want to write it down to see if I can clarify the whirling thoughts in my mind.  I am kind of vancant, not functioning well.  I have been put on meds, and perhaps these are numbing my enotions - I like this though, it doesn't hurt as much.  I cannot seem to do anything though. No motivation to do anything apart from sit and play stupid games online.  I have managed two weeks of picking shit up in the field though - it has done my head in though, made OCD worse, so I have stopped that for the moment.

I can;t sleep well, and I think I am going to self harm soon I can feel it coming on.  I need to do it though.  I have also been listening to music, which is not like me at all.  I don't want to speak to anyone, so I am sat here listening to George Michael (I like his songs).

I am just mental I suppose, I don't lnow what to do with myself.  I want to run away.

I have had a bad few days. I am disassociating, OCD has gone off the scale, and I am retreating. Not good, I have not been like this for years, and I know where I am going. Not suicide, I do NOT want to die, I have my darling boy to look after, but apart from him I would not bother. I want to run away and hide, not be here.

Well, I am still here. Still empty. Still betrayed. Why do they do this to me, and to others there? Is it some weird power trip? Or do they need to buy new cars for themselves so are cutting back. That is most likely.

I cannot do this any more. It is too hard to be living this. The best things I did today was groom my horse and paint poles white and red. I really enjoyed them - they weren't hard. I had some scotch to help me through the afternoon, to forget that I had been at work.

I just don't know what I have done to deserve this. I have tried so hard at work, and I have done the best I can. They expect fucking miracles. No more. I can't do it any more.

My world is crashing down on me, but only in small pieces. This week has been nothing but grief from work, and this morning the straw broke the camel's back. I am having a breakdown. I have been here before, but not for years. That dead feeling inside has come rushing back in, and I just don't care anymore. I want to lie on the floor and stare into space, I want it all to stop.

This year has been hard, and I have not taken any 'me' time to recover from all that has happened. Now I am paying for it. Need help, need to stop getting my sharp blades out to make the mental pain stop. But I need to do it so I feel something. God, why am I like this. Life is not this bad, I have lots to be thankful for, but my spirit is finally broken. They have worn me down and I am done.

I am feeling depressed today. Even though I decided to end it with the ex, it is still hard. I didn't think my heart would hurt this much. I hoped the weight would go forever, but it has only temporarily gone. No one says anything to me, but I suppose I hide it well. I always hide stuff well, no one knows I hurt unless I tell them. No one knows until I either break or snap or admit all. And I cannot admit all. It is too hard to say it. This is easier. The front I have works. Well for a while it works anyway. I don't know what will happen. I have loads to look forward to, but I am becoming sensitive to criticism, and even to advice. Why? Because I am struggling to cope with this. The heady rush of freedom is over, all that is left is empty and wondering what could have been. Should I have done something different? Should I have tried harder? No, not that - I would have been mad by now. We shall see how I feel tomorrow. Probably shite going by how I feel now.

It is day two of being single (I assume anyway, he hasn't said one way or another so fuck it), and I am not sure how I feel yet. I think I am numb. Not sure what to think yet, and am trying to fill up my days for the next few weeks so I am busy and do not have time to think.

This is strange you know. I hope my head will clear a bit over the next few days. Could do with some time off now, but I suppose I am off next week so that is better than nothing. Shit always happens when I am about to go on holiday, every fucking time. For years. Why?! Who knows. I don't want to be tested anymore, with shit like this. I want to potter with my horse, not worry about work, and do my readings and stuff. I want my emotions to stop I think.

Back to docs? Probably.

The last couple of months of problems came to a head this week, and tonight my (ex) OH came to my house to collect some stuff I was storing for him. Never hardly said two words to me. So that is that. Will be posting the engagement ring back to him on Monday. Feel..nothing actually. I think I did the upset bit last month. He changed for a week, then started creeping back to being the selfish and moody sod he was before. He started trying to play games with me, but I am far cleverer than him. I don't play games. He tried to make me want to come crawling back to him, but he should know that by ignoring me that makes me more determined to follow my path of action. I AM SO ANNOYED THAT HE MADE ME FEEL SO CRAP, SO INADEQUATE AND LIKE A SKIVVY.

He will NOT do it again. I am single. I like it this way. I have so many other things to do with my life than waste it on him.

Thanks for reading.

I am glad it is the end of the week. I have had to work 40 miles from home all week, so I am knackered! There is a Tarmac wagon parked outside the house tonight - brother is off on his first HGV 2 driving job tomorrow, at 3.45am! Far too early I will be then!

Hamish got stuck in a fence yesterday, and I had to fish him out in the dark yesterday morning. Luckily he is OK, but was a little stressed by it all. I have been giving him extra feeds since, to keep him fuller and stop him looking for more food elsewhere (even though there is none anywhere else). We are getting big bale haylage soon, so that should fill them up a bit!

I am off to bed soon, I am knackered! I am looking after my friend's wee poodle pup tomorrow, which will be fun. I really miss my boy, so to have someone else's to play with will be good.

I am in mega-pain. Dodgy wisdom tooth has caused face to swell and it is so sore! I have tried to pop the gum to get the pus out, but to no avail. I have scrubbed it and salty mouthwashed it, but still it hurts. Going to try the drugs next, in the hope that aspirin will dull the pain. At least this is good for the diet - cannot chew solid food

Took a lamb over to a friend today, for her freezer. Played with her jack russels, and had a coffee and a chinwag. Took the parents with me for the run out, and they enjoyed it as well. My friend wants me to take the puppy, but the parents are not overkeen because it is too soon after Spike was put down. I really really miss having a dog though. They swithered though, so perhaps if I extol the virtues of it we can go fetch him next weekend!

I am so tired today, I am really narky. Mum is asking me daft questions about her learndirect course, and I am too short tempered to be of use - if she knows how to do it anyway, why the hell is she asking me?!

Told Dave we were coming across, and he decided not to bother meeting up with us. Probably if I had been on my own he would, because he would have thought he could have a shag... Men why do we bother?!

Off to go rant now, I am getting very very wound up!